Cougar-arousal-lied to ya...don't care.

Writing a short blog then off to bed this weekend was a blast! And Thursday will be even better. I have to get up early to help my sister out she is in some conflictive situations and I will not allow it to effect me. So at 31 I am finally getting out and enjoying my life. I allowed five years into a useless marriage that lead me to another man and then divorce. I am sort of in a relationship that keeps putting me in a swirl of confusion. Have you ever read someone's blogs and it didn't make any sense? I did that today and I realize how stupid I've been and liking someone based on a fantasy of what they could be when in actuality they are NOTHING of what you assume. Like loser status. Some guys NEVER have experience in sex because they are too weird or far gone in their head to ever truly experience intimacy. I lied to this guy. I was asked how many guys...more than ten. I am clean, condoms always.. I started sex at 19. And enjoyed it enough to experience with some. And usually one night stands. I have only been in three serious relationships because I choose to. Now, I am with a guy who loves sex and we used to do it all the time, I keep my vagina tight and not loose because this pussy was meant for fucking. Anyway, I don' get it as often so now I'm super tight and looking for good nights of love. So This Thursday I am going this crappy little place called Dubland where it is for 18+ I know a 18 yr old kid who wants sex, he hangs at Dubland I'm thinking of him he is 6 ft blond frizzy hair big blue eyes ...He's an Aquarius and I am willing to give him some Cougar pussy. I am 31, and can teach him a few things. My P is throbbing thinking of it. He texts me some naughty stuff that gets me dildoing myself quite often. I used to believe in love and marriage but that is all a little dream. None of it is real. We all love and hate, so why not be mutual? I need a list of men I can keep with me so whenever they're horny or I am we can hook up for a good night of sex? I love perversion. I want to tell guys I am not a whore but their equal. How do you do that? Control your horniness for one guy? Doesn't it get boring after awhile?

Blue October - Hate Me

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

[Girl:] Hey Justin! [x12]

Linkin Park - "New Divide"

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve


So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide


There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide


In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve


So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide

the wind

Oh my God, think I'm lost at sea The silent waves are my company And I lost the land between the sky it seems And wondering, "Will the wind ever come free?" Yeah Cause I don't know, I don't know where I am Can you tell me, will I break or will I bend Will the wind ever come again Ooh, ooh I feel the sun coming out, rising from the east And I see the empire, falling to her knees And I lost the land between, her and me My troubles are gone if the wind ever comes free Yeah Cause I don't know, I don't know where I am Can you tell me, will I break or will I bend Will the wind ever come You, left me on the shoreline You will stand and bare But you, I'll find you waiting You were waiting for me, waiting for me Tried to kiss the emptiness Lost the line between sky and sea I feel the sun coming up, coming up, coming up, coming up But I don't know, I don't know where I am I will break or I will bend Will the wind ever come again?