Calling You I'm so in love with you

"Calling You"

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

Well expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

[Chorus:]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you
Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

Blue October - Hate Me

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

A video of myself.

in which I cannot post for some odd reason.

After  good twenty minutes of dwindling around blogger I got some of this out there.

Truthful asservations.

It appears to be a focus of mine to be moving forward on this escapade. I now know my life is more than a few words. I wanted to move forward and have ideas that may or may not appease others. But now I know some people are not open minded. I moved to Rochester in hopes of having new goals. But no, it turns out I am doing good but I want more ...

I am being the 'creepy stalker'(his words) and have read a lot of his blogs and some are interesting to read but somehow set me in a bad mood because I realize how selfish people are relatively only because they don't see they're doing exactly what everyone else is doing. When you say, "NO NO! I don't want to treat her this way!" Then turn around and here we are ...I'm the one you wouldn't bring home to your mom and dad. I actually could care less since I am 31 and not really interested in um...the circus. I like to watch them...not be IN it.

I was always understanding your situations but somehow your attention is focused on someone else. Like I'm not good enough to be recognized because of my past. I bet I would've really liked you way back then. But it seems like I am not the one you're looking for. I don't know who you're trying to please and why, but not much I can do it about it. You won't email me, text me, call me or even acknowledge my existence the only thing I can read is your past. Nothing current, nothing to make me feel any type of way for you. I guess I am just something for you to remind yourself of what you wanted, but can't have because it doesn't fit into your social normality. Or better yet, I don't fit the marriage criteria of social inept family.

It's so sad, because in the bible it says not to judge others. And to love one another. And you know what? You didn't do that. You judged me. Here I am still standing strong and still interested even though you turned me away for some social yuppie. For someone who is religious you sure show how self absorbed you are.

I am not going to continue torturing myself this way. I will stay with A until I am completely ready to move on and when I am I will find someone who is ten times better than him. And find the one guy who is like me. left handed, outcasted, independent last but not least, open minded.