Replacing you with him is not idealistic

So yesterday I received $400.00 from the bank for fees owed to me, so Yes i was VERY happy. I got a xmas present for myself and I of course Debra tagged along left me $5.00 in my pocket and that's is all. Now I am thinking about Mina again...fuck. I don't understand it. I don't want to but maybe I miss him overall for just being someone I cared about. I never thought I still miss him, well i tried replacing him with a different Mina and that didn't work out so well. The guy is good looking and Egyptian but um...He's TOO egyptian. Not american Egyptian so his ways are extremely foreign to me. He doesn't even know who DCUO is!!The damn dude wants my Facebook password to see who I have been talking to. LMAO!!! I am so done with this guy. He doesn't even speak english the fuck I look like? I can't do this. I am leaving my past in the past and letting this weirdo go. I like weird, because I'm weird. But I like American weird. lol. Ugh he is something else.

Bleeding out thanks so much.

Laying low no more, I don't love anything nothing feels right. I am lost in the clouds thank you for taking it all way from me. Lingering in the amidst ripping my soul into sections take it all share among yourselves dear demons from the desert. Every road I turn I am here laying alone. Coughing up the blood you gave me, Dear Demon it doesn't taste right am I drinking myself? Why can I do to bring it all back to the rightful place, what can I do to let go of this suffering? Tickling my nose, the hair of death is here! What is next the disembowelment of my life slowly unfolding in front of me.

Today I deactivated my Facebook

I met this guy I fell in love with. Without sex. without intimacy we connected I hurt him like I always do when I want someone and I always fuck it up. Well he deactivated his account because he cared for me deeply and he thought I wanted his cousin so I decided to just end it all I don't want to talk about it I'm just going to stick my head in my studies and forget about him as much as possible.

Calling You I'm so in love with you

"Calling You"

There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

Well expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

[Chorus:]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you
Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

Blue October - Hate Me

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

A video of myself.

in which I cannot post for some odd reason.

After  good twenty minutes of dwindling around blogger I got some of this out there.

Truthful asservations.

It appears to be a focus of mine to be moving forward on this escapade. I now know my life is more than a few words. I wanted to move forward and have ideas that may or may not appease others. But now I know some people are not open minded. I moved to Rochester in hopes of having new goals. But no, it turns out I am doing good but I want more ...

I am being the 'creepy stalker'(his words) and have read a lot of his blogs and some are interesting to read but somehow set me in a bad mood because I realize how selfish people are relatively only because they don't see they're doing exactly what everyone else is doing. When you say, "NO NO! I don't want to treat her this way!" Then turn around and here we are ...I'm the one you wouldn't bring home to your mom and dad. I actually could care less since I am 31 and not really interested in um...the circus. I like to watch them...not be IN it.

I was always understanding your situations but somehow your attention is focused on someone else. Like I'm not good enough to be recognized because of my past. I bet I would've really liked you way back then. But it seems like I am not the one you're looking for. I don't know who you're trying to please and why, but not much I can do it about it. You won't email me, text me, call me or even acknowledge my existence the only thing I can read is your past. Nothing current, nothing to make me feel any type of way for you. I guess I am just something for you to remind yourself of what you wanted, but can't have because it doesn't fit into your social normality. Or better yet, I don't fit the marriage criteria of social inept family.

It's so sad, because in the bible it says not to judge others. And to love one another. And you know what? You didn't do that. You judged me. Here I am still standing strong and still interested even though you turned me away for some social yuppie. For someone who is religious you sure show how self absorbed you are.

I am not going to continue torturing myself this way. I will stay with A until I am completely ready to move on and when I am I will find someone who is ten times better than him. And find the one guy who is like me. left handed, outcasted, independent last but not least, open minded.

Rh negative/Rh positive the stepping stone

A few more weeks until class starts and I am on the road to becoming the person I always wanted to be. I am learning the things I need to know and one of them is, "Don't trust people". Ever. A vast majority of people are fixated on themselves and what they want out of their life. Love and family is not always what we think it is. I know that men in my life only come around me when they think it is convenient. I've never met a man who jumped to the needs of others I am tired of the passive aggressive stances. I have done enough in my time to be respected and just seems like that respect never comes bak like a good boomerang. It just....goes...into the mist...never to return. So fine I will do my life the way I want to. No one was around to say, hey! This is the way life should be! No...I had to go out and see it for myself.

My ex husband called me last week and wants to move back in with me as if nothing ever happened. Delusional moocher he is. I told him, "Noooo...you should go to a shelter and get your own place". He was just like, "oh I am weighing out my options." I'm thinking, No. You wanted to come back to my life so you can ruin the success I am getting. NOPE. The only person I'll give anything to even though he has done a lot of fucked up shit to me, is A. He gave me some things when I didn't have it. Other than that I don't go backwards in relationships.

If it didn't work out the first time it sure in hell ain't gonna work out the second time. It is not like I woke up one day and had an epiphany and said in a dumb blonde voice: "OH! He is my Ken! and he was right! My logical sense of thinking and independence is so dumb! Lemme run into his arms!"

Fuck outta here.  -_-

I still think of 'something' that fade more and more everyday. I realize even looking into a relationship with anyone other than A would be imperatively idiotic considering my living arrangement here is temporary and my goals of heading home to CT is on my top priorities of long term goals. I love how one thinks that I am the screwed up one because I stuck up for myself and said what was the TRUTH. And inferiority complex was set in full swing on the lion of hell.

Rh Negative Rh Positive....Chemtrails

So now I am happier than ever to get the things I want out of life, before the chemtrails kill us all. And if no one knows what that is I suggest you read up on it. I bet your wondering lately, "why is it when I eat vegetables,  I have the major shits"? Well, it may just be those lovely chemicals they spray in the air known as Aluminum that is landing in your crops. Also don't believe that pesticides is any safer. Nothing we can do since we are so dependent on the government for jobs and health.

I used to think I was independent and reality is, I am just one step closer to being the Government's favorite drone. Drones are insects who work for the Hive and we the people are sheeples, drones, slaves ants, zombies...etc...Non of us will ever be an Elite member unless of course you are a blue blood or member of the family I.E related to the skulls, illuminati,masons, whatever you call it..or lack of a better word your blood type is pure. There are two blood types in this world. Rh negative Rh Positive now I am not completely 100% educated on the subject but as I write this I am becoming more and more knowledgeable on the subject. This is what i gather...Rh negative is meaning a "Human" has no relations to he rhesus monkey which is a form of monkey that a RH positive is genetically born with. So another words at some point in time an RH negative had sex with an Rh positive species and developed humans.

So much more to go into depth but as paranoid as I am I rather not. Too many people have complained of having their homes ransacked, hard drives swiped clean and terrorized by Government officials after discovering the truth. Too many beings that are part of the elite  have treated the people of society as drones and slaves. Speaking of that what about the music industry, Tv, anything Hollywood is part of it. Anyone who has millions, upon millions is part of some elite. Because that amount of wealth is greed, It is not evenly distributed among society to help bring society into an even plane of success. So hence the alleged debt we are in. We are not in Debt. The Government is. They play with people's inventions and success and enslave others and use other people ideas as their own. Nothing that america has in made by america. Everything we built was built by a foreigner. They kill people by hiring navy seals and other forms of violent government scientific researching to get what they want. more and more power. Useless power they will never be God.

We were apprehended by the middle east in the early 90's that's when it began. All the oil stories we hear is horseshit. It is deeper than that.

So folks get your blood type checked by donating "blood" these places you donate blood to actually are looking for other RH negatives.

Whenever, however, whomever.

Lifting one finger to do something is like picking up a ton of bricks for a person that doesn't care. I am done with the 'help family out'scenario. That is a done deal I don't even want to blog about it. I am coming over a stomach bug somehow I get stomach flus more often than I care to admit I am wondering if it something I should be worried about like stomach cancer. If I'm dying in a way it doesn't bother me. I am 31, no kids, divorced.I like not having to answer to other people only to what I want. I don't have parents maybe adoptive relatives. No one close, near by and understanding. I somehow realize I am a freelanced soul who goes about life in a drift of confusion. So if death comes knocking, I'll open the door with refreshments. Nothing is left here for me to complete except college and driving. That's it. Nothing else is in front of me no one in this City really cares about people who don't have college degrees. I am on my own waiting for Student Aid to answer to my appeal they have until July to make a decision. I find it funny how they have ombudsmen who don't answer your calls nor do they reply to your emails. On hold at the moment with a constant ring and no one is available to answer your calls. Then Us Dept of Ed wonders why people are burning buildings and doing occupy (your state). It is being done, because the opportunity for a career after college is not promised. We are being fluked and scammed daily for money that is well over the budget. Just got off the phone, actually hung up the phone on this ignorant black lady who thought it was funny that I was hearing impaired.Why do they give these jobs to black people? They can't handle maturity it is like a piece of their brain is constantly on impulse mode. They just laugh, get nasty, hell, some even chew gum loudly or eat food while on the phone. And they always take jobs that are for getting nasty or disciplinary positions.I had one credit agency named, Pepsi. Not lying. And I was like, "what are you?" Another one was called, Coco Chanel. I kept thinking this is some trippy fucked up shit. I don't hang out with black people, despite the fact I am mulatto but still...it is like something about them that just sets me off. I have collages all over my wall and one time I needed a bed delivered and had two black men deliver it; who smelled SO BAD. Fuck underarm odor, it was ASS ODOR. Anyway, they had their pants showing their dirty underwear so when they walked past me they smelled terrible. They brought me my bed and actually stood momentarily laughing to themselves at my collage. I was like, "WTF?!...here is your money, goodbye!"They will never understand true art and communication. Only thing they know is fried chicken, popping pussies, drugs, selling drugs, fly cars, hair weave and popping out babies like candy in a vending machine. I don't like nappy hair. It grosses me out, especially when it is coiled and not combed or brushed or groomed. I hate the smell of a black man's pheromones, been there tried it. Not interested. So I prefer my ethnic men or white men. I love the scent of a clean cut man. Especially a middle eastern one, the ones who were born here though, I need to be able to speak to you. If you speak broken English and are a Islamic fanatic it'll definitely turn me off. I like the scent of patchouli and exotic scent love the art and designers of middle eastern culture. Crazy about arabic food. Yellow couscous with chicken and yogurt sauce. Gyros...you name it. I miss NYC. I loved the bodegas and seeing the Pakistan men wink at me with seductions, it swooned me and until this day I still fantasizes about their lust for me. Once at the NYC new year I met this guy, lebanese he was so gorgeous I was in Awe. he had dark black hair with hazel eyes and wore a leather jacket...I wanted him right then and there. But he was all over the place so I kinda let it go..he might be crazy. lol...then again according to "some" I am crazy too. So it may have worked. So one day at a time finish my goals and hopefully one day I'll get everything. Somehow I am content with two flatscreens, ps3 games a boyfriend, a nice apartment. What else could I ask for? Besides getting a car? I like wegmen's and enjoying the suburban life.

Cougar-arousal-lied to ya...don't care.

Writing a short blog then off to bed this weekend was a blast! And Thursday will be even better. I have to get up early to help my sister out she is in some conflictive situations and I will not allow it to effect me. So at 31 I am finally getting out and enjoying my life. I allowed five years into a useless marriage that lead me to another man and then divorce. I am sort of in a relationship that keeps putting me in a swirl of confusion. Have you ever read someone's blogs and it didn't make any sense? I did that today and I realize how stupid I've been and liking someone based on a fantasy of what they could be when in actuality they are NOTHING of what you assume. Like loser status. Some guys NEVER have experience in sex because they are too weird or far gone in their head to ever truly experience intimacy. I lied to this guy. I was asked how many guys...more than ten. I am clean, condoms always.. I started sex at 19. And enjoyed it enough to experience with some. And usually one night stands. I have only been in three serious relationships because I choose to. Now, I am with a guy who loves sex and we used to do it all the time, I keep my vagina tight and not loose because this pussy was meant for fucking. Anyway, I don' get it as often so now I'm super tight and looking for good nights of love. So This Thursday I am going this crappy little place called Dubland where it is for 18+ I know a 18 yr old kid who wants sex, he hangs at Dubland I'm thinking of him he is 6 ft blond frizzy hair big blue eyes ...He's an Aquarius and I am willing to give him some Cougar pussy. I am 31, and can teach him a few things. My P is throbbing thinking of it. He texts me some naughty stuff that gets me dildoing myself quite often. I used to believe in love and marriage but that is all a little dream. None of it is real. We all love and hate, so why not be mutual? I need a list of men I can keep with me so whenever they're horny or I am we can hook up for a good night of sex? I love perversion. I want to tell guys I am not a whore but their equal. How do you do that? Control your horniness for one guy? Doesn't it get boring after awhile?

Blue October - Hate Me

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(”Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye”)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

[Girl:] Hey Justin! [x12]

Linkin Park - "New Divide"

I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve


So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide


There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide


In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve


So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide

the wind

Oh my God, think I'm lost at sea The silent waves are my company And I lost the land between the sky it seems And wondering, "Will the wind ever come free?" Yeah Cause I don't know, I don't know where I am Can you tell me, will I break or will I bend Will the wind ever come again Ooh, ooh I feel the sun coming out, rising from the east And I see the empire, falling to her knees And I lost the land between, her and me My troubles are gone if the wind ever comes free Yeah Cause I don't know, I don't know where I am Can you tell me, will I break or will I bend Will the wind ever come You, left me on the shoreline You will stand and bare But you, I'll find you waiting You were waiting for me, waiting for me Tried to kiss the emptiness Lost the line between sky and sea I feel the sun coming up, coming up, coming up, coming up But I don't know, I don't know where I am I will break or I will bend Will the wind ever come again?