Ghetto social worker.

So yes I have Section 8. Well here is the underlying issue. I have this ghetto Section 8 worker who doesn't like to send out paperwork. And I never received a copy of my rental break down. And a copy of my portability package.

why?

because she ain't wanna. negro nappy- headed horse.

The point of the matter is

Manipulation is something people use daily, and some people are better at it than others. I know I am not an idiot. If one day you break your screen and come to my house with a 400.00 phone but somehow could not come up with money for our Florida trip that tells me a lot about you. I realize now he just wants what he wants. It has never been about what I want. I need to get my ____ and once I get it, fuck you, man.

Dipping into my thoughts.

So I get this stupid catalog in the mail yesterday with the hottest items with "pay no money now" options. My credit is looking substantially good and so I am getting offers for low interest credit cards. And so I want to try it out..so I order everything and all of a sudden I get a call the next day saying they needed $29.95 down payment from me in order to send my items. SCAAAM. Fuck you idiots. I know a scam when I see one. Fuck that. I am not giving out my card number. Shit. go shove your make believe pot set up your immigrational wazoo.

And so today my heart was broken for the last and final time.

I don't get it, Matt. Why you treated me this way I really loved you but then again how many other females have you treated this way? I thought we had a connection and you just did this to me for no reason. I tried and I guess you wanted it this way. So fuck you and if you like playing games that's up to you. so I am going to get your girlfriend a bus ticket one way and wish you luck. I will drop it off and then you can live happily ever after. Why would you treat me this a few days before I am supposed to visit

Billy Joel - We Didn't Start The Fire

We didn't start the fire 
It was always burning 
Since the world's been turning 
We didn't start the fire 
No we didn't light it 
But we tried to fight it 

Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev 
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc 

Roy hn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, Dacron 
Dien Bien Phu falls, "Rock Around the Clock" 

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team 
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland 

Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Krushchev 
Princess Grace, "Peyton Place", trouble in the Suez 

[Chorus] 

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac 
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, "Bridge on the River Kwai" 

Lebanon, Charlse de Gaulle, California baseball 
Starkweather, homicide, children of thalidomide 

Buddy Holly, "Ben Hur", space monkey, Mafia 
Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go 

U2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy 
Chubby Checker, "Psycho", Belgians in the Congo 

[Chorus] 

Hemingway, Eichmann, "Stranger in a Strange Land" 
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion 

"Lawrence of Arabia", British Beatlemania 
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson 

Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex 
JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say 

[Chorus] 

Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again 
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock 
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, terror on the airline 
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan 

"Wheel of Fortune", Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide 
Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz 
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law 
Rock and roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore 

[Chorus] 

We didn't start the fire 
But when we are gone 
Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on

Disabling my facebook today

I disabled my facebook because of Matt. He just an asshole straight up and down. I don't need to speak to him anymore I am not interested any longer. Good job. I will cut your fucking throat.

The disparities of it all

Woke up early, went to sleep late. Up because of schoolwork and I really hate Rochester, NY. I have a countdown clock set up for my big move. I just don't understand why MCC likes to fuck around with the student's money. They only release it AFTER you complete the course. When most school release the funds while you're attending class. It makes sense to do that since you're in school. The Professors and Doctors are like, WTF. because they're getting paid a smaller salary than most Professors across the state. I am so sick of it all but I have to put up with it for two more semesters. Then I am OUT OF HERE!!!! No sticking around to sniff Rochester's stale anal cavity, no waiting for the bus, no nothing. I am leaving. This summer, in a few weeks to be exact I have to go and look at a few places in two states. And make my final decision by September. 

Most intelligent people leave Rochester. If they know what is good for them, they leave. I heard most people who stay are people who cannot afford to move. And just stay for other reasons like getting knocked up by a Rochestarian who has no intentions of moving out of the darkened mass like tumor of a county and will keep you and his youngins trapped in the cluster-fuck- of-a- cancerous puss- oozing- town just because he has his filthy seed implanted in your pretty womb. 

Anywho, Rihanna is a prostitute.

Stipulations

I have been doing quite well just not sure if  the next step is in the light just yet. At first I wanted to move back home to Connecticut and try to establish some type of connection with my adoptive family. But as usual my level of trust and past issues comes to eat my head. So I decided to let that go forever and move to Florida. Only because I want the sunshine and feeling of connection. I hear it is very hot down there so only way to know if this is what I want is by going down there once on my vacation and make an idea based on that. On my way up I have to stop in CT to take a look at a place. So if I have a choice maybe I will go with CT or Florida. My options are limited and in between. As for love I feel lost I don't think I've ever really loved anyone. I think I did once but it is gone and forever. I've been called crazy many times and it makes me think what is the point of trying if people are going to just call me names. I am all for who I am the question remains, "are you there for me?" I guess it is difficult being an introvert with a hearing deficiency and not being able to understand responses given back to me by others it sounds weird and gives me headaches when I have to listen to people. Is that a mental illness? I feel clouded. 

Well, I am getting good grades in my English class. I have to do a stupid writers journal for English.

bye.

Chris Isaak - Wicked Game

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way
what a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you
what a wicked thing to say you never felt this way
what a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

And I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I'd never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

No I (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
(This girl is only gonna break your heart)

I miss you

My question to you is,

1. Why did you hide your blog?
2. Come on I know you want me, don't make me look for you.
3. I miss your lips, and your cocky attitude. 

two weeks left then my trip

I have less than two weeks of school left then I am on a trip to take care of a few things. I am going to try and enjoy myself.  I don't have much to write about because I am slowly getting used to be a hard little rock. 

Slowly I am obliterating

I am so sick of repeating myself on so many different levels. Nothing here is ever right and when I try to make my point valid it keeps coming back as the same answer. I am NOT bringing Akin with me to CT. He has no interest in going on such activities with me so I am on my own I will go only because I have plans that don't involve him. I miss being with normal people and wanting to find someone I like.

Fuck averse racism. Fuck you Rochester NY.

Daft Punk - Get Lucky (Official Audio) ft. Pharrell Williams

Annoying twit.

Yes Akin you are the most annoying person I know. Everything about you just annoys me. you don't shower, your feet smelled today like rotten vinegar and your teeth are horrendous along with your breath. You are just not my idealistic man. You never will fit that roll. Why won't you just leave me alone? Every corner I turn you're there I found you following me to my classes and yelled my name out when I am on my way out. Why don't you get a life and stop harboring over mine? Try kissing me on the mouth and I won't let you you want to fuck and I won't let you isn't that enough for you to just go away? Then you want to stay past your time in my house you dirty my house then want sex? No fucking way. I will not marry you. It'll never happen. I am above that. I respect myself as much as possible why can't you do the same for yourself?

Hearing dog training/stolen clothes

I am trying to find a place that accepts dogs for hearing training which specializes in people with hearing disabilities  Well, just as I suspected no places in Rochester offers those services yet they want your dog to be certified and registered. This fucking county is so half assed I can't wait to leave. How do you have a high standard requirement but don't offer services? We called this place in Rochester NY from the phone directory and the woman said her business moved out of Monroe County and criticized us. She said, "Oh you're not looking to train your dog because you got caught with a dog are ya?"and went on to say people from RIT (deaf students) do this. Who the fuck says that to a person?! And Akin thought her remarks were perfectly legit and justified. Just as long as she wasn't saying we're like that. She implied it so to me that was offensive enough.This is the typical Rochestarian thinking  Akin can't think for himself. He said every place is like this no matter where you go. WTF? I dunno because I called today where I am going and the woman went by the book and said if my dog is registered she can be with me. So that is what I am doing, legally registering her into a dog training program for 8 weeks or more. But because she is with akin I have to wait for him to make the move. He said he will pay for it, so I told him it has to be done by May 31st for her to be registered for the summer program it is a process and then from obedience school she has to go into a special training program for hearing dogs.

akin said I don't joke anymore, I need to relax and to be funny and watch cartoons. Are you joking? Seriously? I stayed in Rochester for him, then I went to school before that I was homeless for 5 months then I got my housing I don't have time for joking. I am not in the mood to joke or fuck. A woman next to me got her apartment broken into because the management is fucking up everything and taking everyone no matter if you're a criminal or not. And he lives in his parent's basement, no goals, no ambition and lives life like its a joke. And acts like he is still 14. No pal. I am not joking around right now I have no reason to! I have tons of homework this week even though its spring break. I do't have that sense of humor anymore.

Stolen clothes

Well one of the biggest reasons for me moving is someone keeps stealing my clothes, or was stealing my clothes. I used to throw them in the wash and head back up to my apartment and do my homework or clean the house. Well I never noticed my stuff would disappear until I went looking for it in my laundry. I am missing a shit load of underwear and socks. So I went out and bought three packs of underwear and socks, and now I noticed my pajama bottoms are missing. I loved those PJ's. They're gone. actually two pairs are missing and I blame my sister why? because when she was down in the laundry room that was the last time I saw them.

So now I have to buy new ones and I found some that I like, so I hate my sister i hate her so much she is an addict, no life, no job, no driver's license nothing. She complains about me having a D in my last class last semester but yet it took her over 6 years to get her Associate's degree. She went to over 5 different community colleges.

Stressed out today

This is my third blog which only means I have high levels of stress and sometimes I need to be away from the situations that elevate my stress. I left my class today and I only did it because I was frustrated and didn't know exactly what I was doing and felt stupid for even asking. I want to leave this year but I cannot so this summer I will be going away for a few weeks I'm going to ask my sister if she wants to go with me to Cape Cod or Connecticut to stay in a beach house for a few weeks. And kind of get away for awhile to rejuvenate and then take the time to look at places. We can go around June to July 5th. So we can spend 4th of July somewhere nice. I want to leave for a month. Not a week a damn month. I need it.

I felt stupid for leaving class.

distorted

So here I am again, in between classes trying to figure out where I fit in up here in Rochester, NY. It took me 6 years to figure out that I don't belong here but that God had a plan for me and that is to finish school and obtain my education. So I am going to finish up this year then next year one semester in MCC then the rest online. After Fall I won't need to earn anymore credits for my ATB program. I look around the small College and realize how disconnected people are and trying to obtain any type of friendship from people is little to none. I am lonely and very depressed my only connection is my sister and Akin. I try to reach out but people are so stuck on color, its gross. Whites hang out with whites and that's the way it goes. Doesn't matter if you're dirt poor or filthy rich this is the way it is. Very rarely you'll see biracial kids with whites if they're uppity. If you're poor biracial you hang out with blacks. I can't wait to step out from this place I feel a shine of sun coming through and waiting to get away is my best medicine before I commit suicide from boredom and confusion. in my class people love talking with me but outside class I am no one. I feel closed out from people and I don't want that I want to be sociable go to work and feel accepted, but how?

Acceptance and deliver

Why do I have to be such a bitch to everything in my head? I over criticize myself to the point I need rehab. I need a place where my thoughts can collide in a way that it doesn't send me over the edge. I can't focus on anything. I hate Rochester I hate blondie with perfect bodies and perfect cars. They're what makes America look so disgusting the acceptance of perfection and durability. Their parents raised perfect angels with perfect financial structures so their eating habits are good. I wanna be happy but the only place is my fridge fuck it all. I don't want to eat anymore and I don't want to feel lost about it, I want to be given a feeding tube through Iv so I can't taste food anymore.

English professors in Rochester NY

After carefully looking online at the commentaries on English professors in Rochester, NY it has clearly dawned on me how stupid Rochester really is. First of all with a 25% graduation rate for all of MCC campuses ,that sucks. That means somewhere along the way the percentile of teaching sucks monkey balls. It means someone's perception on human teaching is biased and not a good functioning system. I am personally going to make every effort to get my 24 credits and get the fuck out. I will purposely make sure I am in the professor's face 24/7. However I can't change how we have anally retentive English professors who say one thing and do the absolute opposite. The funny thing is no one wants to acknowledge how BAD it is here. I will NEVER say Rochester, NY is a great place to be. The type of racism that goes on here is ridiculous. However, I am here for another year. Until next fall. If I want to I can TRY to take two summer classes and be out of MCC by then. If that works I will definitely leave, however heres the tricky part...if I stay for 6 more credits I can have a Science degree in liberal arts and be on my way to get my bachelors. 

Going H.A.M on a motherfucker.

So today I was going through my emails and noticed that HE wrote me. It wasn't completely nasty but it was definitely dismissive. apparently when I sent the pictures out to my friends it was a funny picture of this:

< Now I met another M- last year and we are friends we send each other mail and whatnot. So I accidentally sent this picture to the guy who once made me want to kill myself last year. He sent me this email a couple of  hours ago and I quote: "Why do you keep sending me things? You know I don't respond to it. I thought you weren't interested anymore. I apologize for calling you names and all but this can't keep happening. Please stop stalking me and sending me messages. The damage has been done." 

Stalking? Does he not know what stalking is? Stalking is when someone follows you places, calls your house, goes to your place of business. After this email I sent him a detailed email saying how I felt he was hurtful for no reason. I am over it this dumbness, this  is the last blog I'll ever write of him. He is depleted from my mind. I have too much going on with School and trying to get crazy akin out of my life I don't have time for put downs or any type of nonsense. He completely upset me when I didn't even do anything to deserve that. I did try to be a good friend and show him support. But sometimes some people are just plain evil and are not good individuals and don't deserve another person's kindness. I did try, you know? I guess he just doesn't like me, and there is nothing I can do. We meet people in our lives who just rather be nasty and coldhearted even though consciously we know its wrong but nothing can fix it. I got the help I needed as a child through Therapy and know what is wrong with me psychologically. I have mood disorder like happy, sad, hyper kinda thing. And stems from a mother who was antisocial and made sure I was too. When you are picked on as a kid you tend to shy away and develop disorders because socially you weren't accepted as one of the girls. Not that I give a shit. But somehow it effected me so now I am just emotionally insecure. I guess I could back for some more therapy and learning how to pull away from those who have the potential to trigger my emotional outbreaks. Like he^^^^^ No good. If he was a good man he would've been straightforward and genuine. None of that, very dismissive, cocky, know- it- all -type of dude who thinks nothing of anyone and all highly of himself. Surprisingly he is a "Coptic Christian" with demonic values. His own family is judgmental of other races and Americans, why did they bother coming to America so they can taint our society with their tactics and "judgementive" objectives? I have no interest in that, but I do have passion for open ideas and love. 

However, I am through with caring anymore because if I do this man will have power over my heart and my mind. He will not win. Stalking. what a harsh word. Leos and their typical arrogance. 

Akin just gets on my nerves every time he is in my presence, I want to tell him to go away. We don't see each other every day and for that I am grateful. I don't find him physically attractive. He just let himself go. I made a video for me to see and know the reality of things. He needs to be by himself and figure out where he wants to go. I seem to make men obsessed when they do get involved. I tried to socialize with him but nothing we talk about is worth conversing. He just throws opinions around like it is the truth and anything else is voided. Why can two people have ideas that differentiate from each other? And maybe view the opinions and ideas as a possible theoretic view?

At one point akin was a good looking man. He maybe weighs about 110lbs. Used to be 220lbs I like bigger guys he was incredible in bed loved his cockiness and confidence used to have a car a job now he is just THERE. not mentally he looks like someone you see at a narcotic clinic, or at a homeless shelter or even at a mental institution. 

I know now he will never change, nothing he does will ever get better. I just want to drink again because all this shit is driving me nuts. I am going to NYC for a few days I need a break. I can't do this anymore. Fuck kids, fuck marriage, fuck Christians, fuck you.

I am going to smoke a fat blunt. I know the real deal. I've been places. nigga, have you? probably not. 

Weird noises coming from my neighbors.

The Walls here are paper thin, and so noises from other people's apartments is faint and can be heard. Well lately it has been getting worse, Someone from the building next to me is either a bird or a chimpanzee. I can decipher between the two because the mating calls are very loud and high pitched. I am sure of it, I hear it everyday. I know I am not schizophrenic I lived here for almost three years and can tell if I were hearing shit. I remember at one time it was quiet and peaceful. Now we have crazy people saying shit into the wall. Like, "ooooloooo hahahaha"then it'll be dead quiet. Stuff like that. or scratching noises like their dragging crap across the wall, creepy stuff. It scares me and I am ready to leave. I've had people say, "Hello" over and over by my window. I just got tired of it called the cops and then I caught someone walking down the street with a black hoodie on, heavyset. I'm like, this place is a horror show. I gotta get up and get the fuck out. So I am in the process of looking I just hate to be so far away from my school. 

Rip his fucking head off.

Today I am fucking deviated, I am so sick of Akin. I tried and tried to make it work he just keeps doing the same shit over and over again. No positive results,no new beginnings. He was denied for SS benefits and instead of appealing it he just kept lying to me about it. Until I contacted a lawyer for him that's when the truth slipped out. Then he used my bank card to buy computer ram when I didn't have the money now my account is negative. He keeps using me he is careless I told him "get me my money this weekend or I will contact your family." He knows I am not playing with him anymore. I am tired of getting involved with these losers. But a lot of guys want females who work and are loaded with educational degrees and packed with money so when they get together they have a enchanted kingdom. Look at mina for example, he wanted that. He didn't care for me because I wasn't a white female with long straight hair and a coca-cola bottle shaped body. He referred to me as,  Gorilla." So I will never forget that. He opened up my eyes to the likes of men from Rochester, NY. I will never find a good man here in Rochester. I have met other guys from different parts of the state and even the world. I never give up on happiness, I am just stuck here in Rochester and honestly I can move on to someone else without an issue. I just don't want some hypocritical jerk who tells me how I should live my life when I think I am doing pretty good right now, I could use some positive boosts on my next goals and what I am not doing so good at. I wouldn't do it to someone else who has goals and is not just sitting there. My motivations may differ from someone else, I will not work right now. I am on disability and I go to school. I guess if people have a problem with that then I should just ignore it and just be single. It seems like that's the issue.